Change Starts With You

The biggest excuses I hear from those who want to "get fit" but don't ever really make the effort to do so is they either 1) aren't motivated or 2) don't have the time. Those reasons may as well be the footnote to about 60 percent of all the fitness plans that end up going the way of the dinosaur.

While I empathize with those who don't succeed, I know that if you want something badly enough, you'll make the effort to do it no matter what your circumstances. So, I've never been a big fan of any one who complains and gripes about bodily dissatisfaction if the only moves they've made towards changing is to talk about what they're going to do as opposed to actually doing it.

On a personal level, the majority of the women in my family are either overweight or obese and it's a condition most of them have come to accept—and even embrace—as a fact of their life. They've convinced themselves that they're just "curvy", "thick" or "real" women.

I often look to them as motivation to not become complacent because, as shallow as it may sound, my desire to be thin trumps any desire I have to over-indulge in the types of foods that were once a staple of my Southern upbringing.

That next level confidence I have in myself as a woman and as a, pardon my frankness, sexual being, comes in large part from being comfortable with my body—both clothed and not. You can't buy that sort of thing over-the-counter and you certainly won't understand the great love it inspires within oneself to know that you've set a goal and stuck with it.

Fitness more than anything is about making a personal commitment to change. You are sending the message to that inner you that the outside will match the inside. You can't do that if you're constantly making excuses and justifying the bad choices you make regarding food.

I read an article recently and something in it struck a chord with me. The author said that, where being healthy is concerned, you know what you should and should not eat, and you understand that there are consequences to being cavalier with those choices. So, if you never reach your physical potential, the fault lies in you. It's a simple message that speaks volumes.

If you want better, you do better. It's not rocket science.

And that change starts with you.

REPOST: Take This Life and Live It

Sometimes it's hard to imagine a time when your life will no longer be relevant, however, two things that are quite certain about this life is that it has a beginning and an end.

The people we meet, the relationships we build with those people along the way, and the choices we make within the time we have here are what will help to shape our experience.

We will become a collection of the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life, and the only thing any of us can ever hope for is the opportunity to live the best life possible—to be happy.

Despite what anyone might tell you, there isn't a prescription for happiness. Each individual will approach his/her life differently and therefore will find happiness in a much different way they you or I. Where one person might choose to fill their life with friendships and personal connections, another might find the same fulfillment in discovering all they can about the world—cherishing the discovery process.

In truth, the "how" doesn't matter. What matters is that you take the journey.

Our time upon this earth is undetermined and no one can be certain when the time to leave this life will come.

Treat each day as a blessing, collect each moment as if it were a ray of sunshine, and use those rays to illuminate the spirit within you, and never let that spirit be dimmed by any one or anything.

Related articles

• A Journey to Life (socyberty.com)

Stay Committed, Stay True, Stay Toned

I fall and fail as much as I get up and succeed. This is my truth and it applies to everything in my life—including my workouts. I often ask myself on any given day, particularly on the days where the biggest challenge can be just getting out of bed, "what is my motivation?". It's a fair enough question, wouldn't you say?

Each of us whether we realize it or not, begins our journey towards a better body or sense of self for a reason: to get into that pair of skinny jeans, to look good for an upcoming social event, or because we are tired of looking in the mirror and not loving the body we see. In all of those cases, there is something external to motivate us. We have something material we can look at and work towards to keep us on the right track.

But, what happens when that thing no longer exists? Where do you find the internal motivation once you reach your goal?

As easy as you consider the answer to this question to be, please understand that it is much harder than you think. We all to some extent become satisfied enough with our progress to start making allowances for our actions.

It may start with an act as simple as eating a slice of pie or skipping a workout. Before you know it you're justifying eating out and cutting back on your cardio because "one day won't hurt me"—believe me, I've been there, and it's a miserable feeling to wallow in the guilt you feel when your "one day" turns into one week, one month, and so on.

You have to commit everyday to being the person who is dedicated to keeping his/her workout regimen in tact. If you don't, you run the risk of seeing all your hard work go down the drain.

Related articles

• The Secret Of Staying Motivated To Exercise (dietriffic.com)

Fighting The Demons Within You

This life isn't particularly kind to everyone. I recall being especially unhappy as a high school student with little-to-no social life, a less than stellar boyfriend, and a contentious relationship with my mother. The only thing I wanted to do was escape it all and reinvent myself as a woman of some importance—at least in my own mind—and be free of the pain and loneliness that seemed to frame my life at that time.

Back then, like many girls my age, I was envious of the popularity, good looks, and overall charmed existence of the "popular" girls. Why couldn't I be more like them? Where was my superstar boyfriend (AKA sports hero)? My invitation to all the hot parties? Why wasn't I living the "good life"?

Well, it didn't take me too long to figure out that I was asking and hoping for all the wrong things and,
as a result, it became necessary for me to start sorting out the woman I wanted to be—in this body I felt endlessly uncomfortable living in—with this soul that was sorely lacking in both direction and nourishment.

Now, a number of years later, I reflect upon that time as a moment in my life where I was too centered on the superficial aspects of living to appreciate all the good things I was blessed to have. I was too busy being shallow to understand what characteristics truly mattered in a person—their faith in Christ, their poise, their integrity, and their virtue.

It's a lesson I had to learn in order to "grow up" and become the woman I am today: one who has
so much more to give to those around her because she can see both sides of the battle. I understand what it feels like both to be accepted and to wonder what acceptance feels like.  And, though I'm still evolving on a daily basis, I feel more comfortable living and loving in the beautiful body the good Lord blessed me to have than I did 20 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, that 15-year old, lost, girl with low self-esteem is still a very real part of my story—she still makes an appearance here and there in those moments I find reason to doubt myself—she's just no longer the title character in the movie.

Related articles

• How to Battle Low Self-Esteem (everydayhealth.com)
• Loneliness & Poor Self-Esteem: Understanding the Connection (via ♦Woman to Woman♦) (woman2womansite.wordpress.com)
• Living with Fears (12images.wordpress.com)

Everything Comes To The Light

It's impossible to live a lie for very long. At some point you have to address the issues around you for what they are and try to bring the truth into focus. It won't matter that beneath the surface there lies a mountain of pain or that neither you, nor the involved party—assuming there is one—are ready to accept the truth. The ultimate goal, for you, will be to find peace.

Peace of mind, peace in heart, and peace for the soul you've neglected for so long by living in a way that's untrue to what you believe is the best version of yourself.

The trouble with love and relationships is that so many of us feel the need to give away the most important parts of what makes us who we are, so that we can co-exist with another. While compromise is always necessary where love (and to some extent friendship) is concerned, sacrifice should not be— there is a difference between the two.

However, when companionship is wanted, needed, we do what we feel we must to make it happen—we go outside of our character. We make changes because we feel it's better to be broken than alone. But, ask yourself this: is it worse to be alone with your self-respect and dignity, or broken but with someone?

A person that loves you, cares for you, and wants what's best for you, WILL NOT let you compromise who you are to be with them—they will love you for and, sometimes, in spite of those things, and you will work together to find a place for those parts within your relationship. You won't have to choose—and you shouldn't.

Despite what people tell you, two halves  don't make a relationship whole—you should be able to bring all of yourself to the table when you make the decision to turn over your heart. If that's not possible, step away—no matter how much it hurts.

Sometimes You Get In Your Own Way

I'm constantly amazed at how wonderful the world looks through the eyes of a child. Everything they see and hear is a source of wonderment for them, and they never complain about their experience (no matter how big or small it might be)—most just appreciate the opportunity to be a part of the moment.

It's truly a beautiful thing to watch, and it got me to thinking, where has our childlike wonder gone?

We have evolved into a nation of people who are either distracted by the enormity of our responsibilities, or absent altogether. None of us are willing to take a moment to see what this life has to offer because we remain blinded by the negativity of its occupants.

In short, we're paying attention to the wrong things and we're too out of touch to realize it.

The children of this world, even the so-called "broken" ones, provide the perspective that we all need to be seeing this life through. Their lens offers the clearest, most consistent, and most positive path to what we all hope is our ultimate destination—happiness and peace.

Of course some might say the ability to revert to such a pure way of thought was lost long ago. "We simply know too much" now to make a change.

How does one forget the pain, the sacrifice, and the knowledge he/she has gained—that same knowledge that led us to the way we feel/think today—jaded and skeptical that this life has anything good to offer? How can we erase these thoughts when they play such an intrinsic part in who we are?

To that I only say you're thinking too hard.

To approach each day like a child, you would cease to dwell on the infinite impossibilities presented by this life, but rather, instead, be awakened and energized by the endless possibilities that your presence within it presents.

You must remember that you are a bright beacon of light, no matter how hard the world might try to dim you. It's up to you to take what this world has to offer and make the best of it.

You are your only true roadblock to progression and sometimes you have to have the strength to get out of your own way.

New Year's Dissolution: Make 2011 The Year You Break The Bad

The problem with making resolutions, as so many of us do this time of year, is we almost never keep them. Sure, we start with great intentions and a lot of steam but, by March or April, we're done being focused—we are no longer able to sustain our enthusiasm for meeting those preset goals.

Some might call that an issue of commitment, but I call it an issue of life.

Failed resolutions are less about an inability to remain true to yourself than they are about an incapability to add more to a plate that's already full. If you're stretched thin already, how on earth will you find the time to meet the demands of joining a gym or finding a mate?

If your goal is to become debt free, how will you do that if you don't see a raise or any additional income in your immediate future.

You're planning to get a better job? Great, but who's hiring?

Life is just as much an obstacle to progress, as progress is an enhancer to life.

So, instead of making resolutions that can make you feel awful if they're not completed, start making goals with dissolution in mind. Here are just a few suggestions to get you started:

1. Release yourself from one outside commitment. 

Many of us obligate ourselves too much. Take stock of the things that enrich you and make them your focus—half of yourself given to 100 things is not better than all of you given to 10.

2. Learn to say 'NO'. 

'No' is not a bad word. Start changing the negative connotation behind it into what it truly means—in some instances—an opportunity to Nourish One's self. Take that time to reconnect with your inner spirit and you'll feel and be better for it.

3. Let go of the bad. 

Whether it's an old coat, a lingering thought, or a dying relationship, start the process of letting it go.

Remove the anger, the pain, and the resentment from your life so that you have more room for the happiness, the joy, and the forgiveness that your heart and soul crave.

4. Write a letter to yourself. 

Each of us is guilty of being too critical in our self-assessment. We belittle our efforts, eschew our talents, and pretend that we aren't worthy of better.

That said, write a letter to yourself. Make it a bold, scathing, and vitriolic indictment to the person you feel you are—then set it on fire.
 
5. Stop feeling guilty for being selfish. 

Selfishness is a necessity. There is no growth without attention to one's self. You have to become both knowledgeable and focused on making you into a better person, and that cannot be done if you spend a majority of your time beating yourself up for being a little indulgent. 

6. Devote 15 minutes a day to doing nothing. 

15 minutes may seem like a small amount but, for some, finding that 15 minutes is a challenge.

Outside of restroom breaks or sleep, we are constantly in motion or thought, and 15 minutes of nothing is just as much about being mentally still as it is about being physically still.

Find your center and take those minutes to just 'be'.
 
Conclusion:

Dissolution is about undoing bad habits and, without undoing some of the bad ones, you can never be resolute in introducing the good ones. The journey towards resolve starts with dissolving the negative parts of your life so that you can become whole again.

Start there and let the rest of your journey unfold as it may.

Day 28: You're Not A Mind-Reader...

Each of us are individuals. We all have different wants, needs, desires, and dreams and none of us are so attached at the hip that we can say, with confidence, that we want entirely the same things as the person we've chosen to spend our life eating dinner with—it's simply not possible.

See, what happens when you fall in love with someone is you begin to compromise on the above-mentioned wants, needs, desires, and dreams. You start re-evaluating just how relevant those things are to the life you've chosen, and you omit the things that have no place or purpose in your new life.

It's an action most of us take, willingly, and one that many of us never think twice about until something within said relationship either goes wrong or becomes a source of on-going conflict. It's only then that we start to wonder about what we "gave up" to be with this person. It's then that we start to question our compromises and wonder if we've made a mistake.

I'm here to tell you, that's a natural response. Your mind is always given to question, and your heart is always given to doubt—put the two together and the result is, almost always, confusion and speculation.

That said, your job, as a reasonable person with a better than average knowledge of yourself and your relationship, is to be able to separate the bumps from the sinkholes.

Every relationship has bumps. The trick is to remember that having conflict is necessary if you wish to grow as a couple. You have to begin to understand the kinds of things your mate likes and dislikes, where their boundaries exist, and what insecurities still lie within them now that they've decided to give themselves to you.

The bumps become ongoing learning opportunities that, one day, lead you both into a healthy level of communication and comfort. It's only then that you can find the balance that you always hoped to achieve and finally understand how you both fit together.

That said, no one should expect you to be a mind-reader. You are not responsible for deciphering codes and translating emotions into what your mate feels is a desired action. That duty falls on the individual who feels that their needs aren't being met—not you.

Your role is to be present and willing to build a positive foundation for the direction you want your relationship to go and that requires a team effort.

Day 18: There Are No Shortcuts...

Have you ever awoken on a particularly hectic day and thought to yourself, "can I just skip to the end"?

Although it seems like a nice thought, the problem with actually doing so is  you have no idea what you'll miss if you do.

Unfortunately, many of us live in a vacuum filled with the stress and expectations placed in our path by those who employ, love, and befriend us.  We don't want to hear the alarm clock go off in the morning because we know nothing but more stress, more fatigue, and more disappointment is likely all we'll get.

It's an existence that becomes tough to deal with, and many of us have to  develop mechanisms to get through the tough times.

So, we tell ourselves it's only a five-day week and we start living for the weekend.  Or, we party with friends and hope the camaraderie will provide a temporary escape. Better still, we immerse ourselves in the web—tweeting, facebook-ing, blogging, or browsing the myriad of sites cyber-world has to offer.

The cycle isn't vicious, but it's indicative of the world we live in today. We are all looking for the easiest way to appease the restless beast within us that feels trapped by the monotony of doing the same ol' thing everyday.

That said, it's high time that all of us, who are stuck in that rut, start re-evaluating our direction.

Don't continue to fall back on the same patent excuses that have come to be a staple of our explanatory repertoires—not enough time, not enough money, or not enough resources—but, rather, start looking at what opportunities you can make happen for yourself.

What can Y-O-U do to make your life better?

Because, the sooner you start believing and understanding that there is more to this life for you than a routine you'd just as soon chuck than adhere to, the more fulfilling your days and nights will become.

Day 17: Mirror, Mirror...

What you see when you look in the mirror can tell you a lot about yourself.

It's human nature to pick at the flaws: Our hair is too short or too long, our nose is too big or too little, our teeth are too crooked or too yellow, or we wish we had a more ideal body—one that rivals that of an athlete or a movie star.

That said, some of us have a tendency to be more critical than others. Some of us see flaws that aren't there—things that we perceive, in our minds, to be visible to others, but that are, in truth, only a reflection of what we feel inside.

It's those thoughts that can be the most damaging to our self-worth and overall growth potential.

At some point, you have to come to a crossroads about who you are, and who you can be. None of us are destined for perfection, but no one will fault you for trying to be the best version of you that you can—so, go for it.

However, don't lose perspective in the process. Always remember why you are doing what you're doing.

If your motivation is to fit a goal that you've already realized within yourself, then plug away. There is nothing wrong with self-improvement that's born of positive self-actualization.

On the flip side, if your goal is set based on external factors in your environment, then you could be setting yourself up for failure. There is nothing "real" about the images you see on a billboard or a television screen. A lot of people, trainers, and money are behind the pretty pictures you see, and setting your goal based solely those images is akin to setting out on a dark path—minus a working flashlight, a map, or a clear sense of direction—you might get there, at some point, but your emotional and psychological compass will be battered and bruised a great deal along the way.

Don't let your journey towards self-actualization be set using a worldly compass, develop your own compass, set your own pace, and have faith that, at the end of your journey, you will be every bit the person you hoped you could be.

Day 16: Don't Be A Doormat...

It is in the nature of a few less evolved beings to gain confidence by belittling, insulting, or invalidating another. It's a character flaw within them that cannot be corrected by anything that you say or do so, your best bet is to disassociate yourself from that person altogether and pursue a healthier relationship elsewhere.

Don't waste time trying to change the person or make them understand your point of view, just make a clean break from them altogether so they can, hopefully, be forced into the self-evaluation that they so desperately need to undertake.

In other words, there is no honor in being someone's plaything. You have to make the decision to believe that you are worthy of better than a relationship where a person's only aim is to use you to feel good about themselves.

Life is too short and the population too big to accept that you aren't worthy of more than a modicum of respect.

Don't be the doormat that people are content to walk on, there are plenty enough people ready to fulfill that role already—you don't need to add to that number. Instead, be the confident, potential-laden, person that you were born to be and make your friendship a privilege not an entitlement.

Day 14: Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say...

Believe it or not, that's a hard concept for some people to grasp. They don't get the difference between talking to somebody and talking at them—trust me, the two are not the same.

It has always been my philosophy to be honest with myself about the point I'm trying to make. Emotions are too easy to get caught up in, and words become like daggers with poisoned tips for you to spew out, rapid fire, until you can emerge victorious—albeit stained with the blood and guts of the person you've disemboweled.

The analogy may seem vivid and violent, but it illustrates just how damaging words can be.

With that said, it's always important to approach, potentially, volatile situations with a plan. Ask yourself where your head is before you engage in an emotional debate with someone you care about. If you know you are angry, hurt, or overly sensitive, perhaps it's best to table the discussion for a later time—when you can be more rational.

However, if you are caught up in the heat of the moment, and the tussle gets harsh enough that the vitriol begins to well-up within you, and make it's way to the tip of your tongue, stop and ask yourself what it is you wish to say—is your ultimate goal to hurt or to educate?

If your aim is to hurt, then it doesn't need to be said. Spite for spite's sake is useless and it causes nothing but more pain in the long run. 

If the aim is to educate the individual about your needs, your expectations, and your qualms, then that's productive. That's a starting point for the healing process and a step towards personal growth for you because you are learning how to communicate your emotions in a more mature manner.

Whatever you do, take care not to place yourself in a situation that you'll be sorry for later and, always remember, words linger longer than circumstances. No matter how your issues get resolved, a person never forgets the way something you said made them feel—don't plant the seeds of negativity that could later spring up and overwhelm you or your relationship.

Neither of you may be able to recover.

Day 12: Staying Motivated...

It's a tough thing to do. No matter what your goal, exercising, eating right, finishing a project, reading a book, etc., it's tough to keep your mind settled and focused long enough to maintain the level of progress that you feel is necessary to say you are a success.

Some will say the trick is to set small goals each day and concentrate on meeting that one goal—that way you aren't overwhelmed by the enormity of it all.

The problem with that is, some of us are so intertwined in the day-to-day task of just being ourselves (as parents, as caretakers, as employees, etc.) that we fall short of even the small goals we endeavor to set. When that happens, we feel even more discouraged, making it easier to give up and abandon the idea of success altogether.

In my humble opinion, the trick isn't in setting a small goal that you can meet, but in remembering that if you don't meet your goal for that day, tomorrow presents a new opportunity for doing so.

Don't beat yourself up over what you haven't done, take pride in what you do manage to accomplish and give it another go tomorrow.

Does this work in all situations, of course not, but the idea is to keep your mind settled on remaining positive and recognizing your progress (no matter how big or small it turns out to be)—the rest will fall into place as your life makes room for it.

Day Ten: Know Your Dreams...

Do you know what you want out of life? If you don't, it's foolish to expect anyone else to be able to figure it out for you. Know yourself before you decide to become one with another—that can make all the difference.

Too many men and women are running around looking for a partner to define them. They don't feel complete without someone standing by their side telling them how important they are because they are loved.

Well, contrary to what you might have been told, you cannot count on another person to make you feel whole. It's far better to figure out who you are, for yourself, using your own devices, before you place your psyche into the control of another.

See, the trouble with losing yourself into a person is that if that person leaves, you won't know where to find what you have lost. How will you decipher the real you from the one who was attached to the label of girl or boyfriend? Do you know who you are minus your mate?

The question is the same where friendships are concerned. Don't attach your identity to the clique you claim or the social group you represent. You have to know who you are before you enter into a relationship, of any kind, with anybody. If you don't, you aren't doing yourself or those who wish to claim you, any favors.

Spend some time, alone, finding out exactly who you are now and who you want to be—get secure in that—and then take the steps to find the people who most compliment those ideals.

Day Two: Whose Life Are YOU Living?

You can either let others live for you or you can live your own life. Take a stand, be proud of who you are, and remember that you are your own legacy—leave something behind that you can be proud of.

It's a simple concept, really, most of us have no idea how to live our own life. We are all constantly influenced by the environment around us: people, places, commercials, television, movies, friends, colleagues, etc. There is, literally, no way of understanding where the "I" begins because it is so intertwined in the "we" of society.

So, how does one detach from the madness long enough to gain an understanding of who they actually are—minus the bull? Well, there are no hard-line answers to that question, but there is a methodology to it all that can make that act a lot easier:

1. Make a list of everything you think defines you.


2. Mark off all the items that relate to your profession, your material  possessions, and your education.


3. Now, look at that list...what's left?

If the answer is "nothing", you have a lot of work to do. However, if what you see in front of you is a list filled with possibilities, something you—the person—can build on, start from there.

The point is, no one is looking for you to lead a perfect life and, the pursuit of said perfection will never grant you the happiness that you're looking for. Stop wasting time looking for that elusive and fantasy-born ideology of a "happily ever after"—it's not there.

Start living the life that makes YOU happy and let that life make this world a better place to be present in—for you, for others, and for the legacy you haven't created yet.