Yes, Happy Couples Fight Too...

I've been married for over 10-years to a wonderful man. He's everything I ever wanted and I have absolutely no doubt he was God's gift to me. That said, I can describe our marriage as such: Loving. Passionate. Blessed. We still hold hands, talk on the phone for hours, miss each other relentlessly when we're not together, and love as if we only met yesterday. He is my definition of what perfection in a man looks like and I could never imagine my heart in the hands of another.

Even so, I have yet to find one marriage that is perfect. Two people living and sharing the same space, on a daily basis, forever is not something that is always easy to do. And, given that fact, we become prone to disagreements about different things (money, time spent together, paint color, etc.).

However, it isn't the disagreements that matter but rather how you manage those disagreements.

For years I watched my parents struggle to find the ability to communicate effectively. However, they couldn't find the solution to their problems without hurting one another and that made for a difficult marriage and, eventually, a painful divorce. Yet it also made me keenly aware of how quickly things can fall apart if you're not constantly working together towards the same goal.

You have to know yourself, your mate, and your boundaries if everything is going to work as you'd like. And you cannot allow the elements that exist outside of your home to influence the approach you take inside of it.

When single girlfriends ask me how we continue to make our marriage work, I tell them it's because, if nothing else, we know that at the end of the day, we belong to each other and there is no place else we'd rather be.

We start from there and let God help us with the rest.

Source: google.com via Kimberley on Pinterest

I Will Try To Fix You

Building a relationship is difficult. It's particularly difficult when you've been burned because you're no longer able to trust as easily as you once did and, as a result, you close yourself off. Why? Well, that's simple, you don't want to be hurt again, but it's the layers beneath that which makes it so hard to accept love in your world again.

Once you've been hurt, you are forced to rediscover yourself within this new persona—this persona of a person who has been hurt and left scarred by another—and then you have to decide if the new person you've become is ready to do it all over again with someone else.

Most people reach for the natural defense mechanism of putting up a wall as high as the one they built at Jericho and saying, 'okay, if you want in, then let me see you knock these walls down', only then are they willing to give this potential love interest the opportunity to have an honest conversation with them about what they want and how much they are willing to give in return.

I've been there, I've done that, and I can tell you without question that this mechanism, this approach to surrendering yourself to love again, serves only one purpose—to make certain that you never find any type of happiness whatsoever.

The natural order of things suggests that anything worth having is worth working hard for, so it's not unusual to understand that one who possesses a beleagured heart might believe that any individual who wants a piece of their heart should be willing to walk through fire to get it.

However, the truth is, when love is real, when it's truly something of value, you don't have the desire to put it through those types of gyrations.  You will welcome it freely—despite the possibility of being hurt all over again—because it feels good.

We have all, to some degree, experienced the pain of a relationship gone wrong, but it's our ability to recover from that experience that sets the bar for our next venture into love. But, be cautious, don't expect the person, for whom you next fall, to have all the answers on how to fix you—they will try, but they cannot possibly do it alone. It's up to you to guide them.

You have to be willing to give enough of yourself to them that they will be able to find the pieces that are broken and, together, help you mend them and, in some cases, replace them altogether. That's a journey for you and them to take as a couple.

If you're not ready to do that, then you're not only doing a disservice to your heart, but to theirs as well.

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Everything Comes To The Light

It's impossible to live a lie for very long. At some point you have to address the issues around you for what they are and try to bring the truth into focus. It won't matter that beneath the surface there lies a mountain of pain or that neither you, nor the involved party—assuming there is one—are ready to accept the truth. The ultimate goal, for you, will be to find peace.

Peace of mind, peace in heart, and peace for the soul you've neglected for so long by living in a way that's untrue to what you believe is the best version of yourself.

The trouble with love and relationships is that so many of us feel the need to give away the most important parts of what makes us who we are, so that we can co-exist with another. While compromise is always necessary where love (and to some extent friendship) is concerned, sacrifice should not be— there is a difference between the two.

However, when companionship is wanted, needed, we do what we feel we must to make it happen—we go outside of our character. We make changes because we feel it's better to be broken than alone. But, ask yourself this: is it worse to be alone with your self-respect and dignity, or broken but with someone?

A person that loves you, cares for you, and wants what's best for you, WILL NOT let you compromise who you are to be with them—they will love you for and, sometimes, in spite of those things, and you will work together to find a place for those parts within your relationship. You won't have to choose—and you shouldn't.

Despite what people tell you, two halves  don't make a relationship whole—you should be able to bring all of yourself to the table when you make the decision to turn over your heart. If that's not possible, step away—no matter how much it hurts.

There's A Difference Between "Keeping It Real" and Being Real

Most of us don't know who we truly are and we often have trouble separating our true self from the   facade we show to the world.

Of course many of us don't acknowledge the fact that we wear a mask on a daily basis. We just like to assume that we are "keeping it real"—it's everyone else that's being phony.

Well, here's a perfect test for those of you who subscribe to the latter point: think of a topic that interests you. Ponder the ins and outs of that topic for as long you deem necessary to espouse an intelligent opinion. Once you've done so, ask yourself what part of that opinion is based on your own knowledge, and what part of it is based on the knowledge you've absorbed from the sources around you. 

If you find that most of what you believe is built on an article you read, a talk show you heard, or a speaker you've listened to, then you aren't as "real" as you might think.

The natural response to this is to say we are all going to be guilty of doing that. After all, most of us are just a conglomeration of our experiences and social interactions. It's impossible not to be influenced or shaped by external factors in our environment. 

That's true, and in no way do I expect that this world will house a human being who hasn't been touched or influenced by something he/she read, did, or experienced. That's the way we become who we are—through experiencing this life as an observer.

However, you have to begin investigating and researching matters on your own, as well. You have to start realizing that regurgitating the philosophies of another doesn't make you sound intelligent, it makes you look misinformed.

In as much as you are an observer, you should also be an experimenter. Your belief system should be a result of what YOU know for sure and not what you've heard from the majority. Walk your own path, formulate your own opinions, and become your own person.

There are enough people out there "keeping it real", strive to be a part of the group that's just being real.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Day 26: Moving On...

Love can be painful. It's not intended to be such, but when you allow a person into your heart and mind long enough, they become intimately knowledgeable about all the things that make you tick—if they're paying even a modicum of attention. And, when it becomes clear that your relationship is over, they have the ability to push those buttons—if they choose—and make a tough situation more difficult to bear.

Keeping that in mind, it's up to you to decide the type of person you wish to be when it comes time to release yourself from a relationship.

Do you want to be the mature, respectable, adult who takes the high-road and refuses to stoop to their level? Or do you want to embroil yourself in an emotional war where, quite frankly, everyone loses?

The decision can be tougher to make than some think because, while it's easy to have someone tell you to be the bigger person, no one can possibly understand what you're going through. None can say for sure that they would do things differently because they aren't standing in your shoes—these are your decisions, based on your experiences, and no one should feel fit to judge you for how you handle your pain.

However, in attempting to move forward, you have to become aware of when your desire to hurt said person overcomes your desire to heal—if you can't heal, you can't move on.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is allow the healing process to happen—however it happens. If that means you give yourself a 6-month pity party—go ahead. Love is not something that goes away simply because the person does. You are mourning the death of a relationship that, at some point, meant everything to you.

You deserve time to come to grips with that fact. Even still, don't place yourself in wreckless situations that could possibly lead to regrets later.

Own your pain, find a way to mend your heart, and trust in the possibilities that lie ahead—your life is not over—and, eventually, you will be fine.