Starting With The Woman In The Mirror

There was a time when I "hated on" the pretty girls. I freely admit this fact because I'm old enough now to see how unnecessary and unproductive that emotion was for me.

Some of you may know, if you've read this site before, that I grew up in a single-parent home where my mother often worked two, sometimes three, jobs to make ends meet. And though she made sure I never wanted for anything, I always looked at the other more privileged girls in high school and college and felt like I could never compete with their beauty or sense of style.

As a result of that insecurity, the early seeds of my need to exercise were planted because I figured what I lacked in beauty, I could make up for in body, and that would allow me to "compete" with those girls a bit more.

Don't even ask what stilted level of logic it took for me to believe that nonsense because even as I typed it I was shaking my head.

Nowadays, though, when I see beautifully fit women—especially those in the non-airbrushed real world—who have managed to remain absolutely stunning through marriage, pregnancy, stress, etc., I applaud them because I know how much hard work it requires to remain true to any sort of regimen when life is throwing so many responsibilities your way.

And while I still compare myself to other women, I can't lie,—I mean it's the nature of the beast to look at another gorgeous woman and say 'wow, I still have work to do',—my reaction to them is less about an insecurity than it is an acknowledgement that there is always another level for me to meet.

In short, I don't bother with the catty, sneering, unnecessary behavior that so many others often feel the need to convey by chopping down other women and accusing them of "thinking they're all that". It's unproductive and would only serve as interference to my personal fitness goals.

We are all uniquely striving for something more than the mirror reflects and if we're doing it the right way, there won't be a need to wonder what everyone else is thinking because that won't matter. If nothing else, stick to you plan and keeping doing you. And let the progress you make be a form of motivation for that woman who's likely watching you and wondering where her next level might be because, trust me, there will always be someone watching.

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You're So Vain

I often say of my daughter (who is still just a toddler) that she's never met a mirror she didn't like. I mean, literally, she is incapable of passing a mirror without admiring the beauty that she most definitely owns and I do her humility no favors by showering her with as many compliments and touts of how infinitely gorgeous she is on a daily basis. If there's one area in which I hope my baby girl never lacks confidence, it's that of self-image—so take that airbrush nation.

That said, I am also completely aware of the superficiality that can develop if you tie your self-worth into your physical appearance. There has to be more substance to your total make-up than just the glow of your skin, the build of your body, and the tags on your rags. You have to be every bit as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside, otherwise you are akin to a piece of artwork done without purpose—beautiful to look at, but essentially soulless.

Outer beauty fades, inner beauty doesn't. It 's that simple. Never forget to cultivate the spirit in as many ways as you do the body.

That means making time for others, being a voice where there isn't one, extending a hand when needed, and always remembering to do everything with purpose and from the heart. If you do those things, you will encompass a more enchanting beauty than you've ever witnessed before. That will be the beauty people appreciate every bit as much as that which you see in the mirror.

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Everything Comes To The Light

It's impossible to live a lie for very long. At some point you have to address the issues around you for what they are and try to bring the truth into focus. It won't matter that beneath the surface there lies a mountain of pain or that neither you, nor the involved party—assuming there is one—are ready to accept the truth. The ultimate goal, for you, will be to find peace.

Peace of mind, peace in heart, and peace for the soul you've neglected for so long by living in a way that's untrue to what you believe is the best version of yourself.

The trouble with love and relationships is that so many of us feel the need to give away the most important parts of what makes us who we are, so that we can co-exist with another. While compromise is always necessary where love (and to some extent friendship) is concerned, sacrifice should not be— there is a difference between the two.

However, when companionship is wanted, needed, we do what we feel we must to make it happen—we go outside of our character. We make changes because we feel it's better to be broken than alone. But, ask yourself this: is it worse to be alone with your self-respect and dignity, or broken but with someone?

A person that loves you, cares for you, and wants what's best for you, WILL NOT let you compromise who you are to be with them—they will love you for and, sometimes, in spite of those things, and you will work together to find a place for those parts within your relationship. You won't have to choose—and you shouldn't.

Despite what people tell you, two halves  don't make a relationship whole—you should be able to bring all of yourself to the table when you make the decision to turn over your heart. If that's not possible, step away—no matter how much it hurts.

Day 28: You're Not A Mind-Reader...

Each of us are individuals. We all have different wants, needs, desires, and dreams and none of us are so attached at the hip that we can say, with confidence, that we want entirely the same things as the person we've chosen to spend our life eating dinner with—it's simply not possible.

See, what happens when you fall in love with someone is you begin to compromise on the above-mentioned wants, needs, desires, and dreams. You start re-evaluating just how relevant those things are to the life you've chosen, and you omit the things that have no place or purpose in your new life.

It's an action most of us take, willingly, and one that many of us never think twice about until something within said relationship either goes wrong or becomes a source of on-going conflict. It's only then that we start to wonder about what we "gave up" to be with this person. It's then that we start to question our compromises and wonder if we've made a mistake.

I'm here to tell you, that's a natural response. Your mind is always given to question, and your heart is always given to doubt—put the two together and the result is, almost always, confusion and speculation.

That said, your job, as a reasonable person with a better than average knowledge of yourself and your relationship, is to be able to separate the bumps from the sinkholes.

Every relationship has bumps. The trick is to remember that having conflict is necessary if you wish to grow as a couple. You have to begin to understand the kinds of things your mate likes and dislikes, where their boundaries exist, and what insecurities still lie within them now that they've decided to give themselves to you.

The bumps become ongoing learning opportunities that, one day, lead you both into a healthy level of communication and comfort. It's only then that you can find the balance that you always hoped to achieve and finally understand how you both fit together.

That said, no one should expect you to be a mind-reader. You are not responsible for deciphering codes and translating emotions into what your mate feels is a desired action. That duty falls on the individual who feels that their needs aren't being met—not you.

Your role is to be present and willing to build a positive foundation for the direction you want your relationship to go and that requires a team effort.

Day 26: Moving On...

Love can be painful. It's not intended to be such, but when you allow a person into your heart and mind long enough, they become intimately knowledgeable about all the things that make you tick—if they're paying even a modicum of attention. And, when it becomes clear that your relationship is over, they have the ability to push those buttons—if they choose—and make a tough situation more difficult to bear.

Keeping that in mind, it's up to you to decide the type of person you wish to be when it comes time to release yourself from a relationship.

Do you want to be the mature, respectable, adult who takes the high-road and refuses to stoop to their level? Or do you want to embroil yourself in an emotional war where, quite frankly, everyone loses?

The decision can be tougher to make than some think because, while it's easy to have someone tell you to be the bigger person, no one can possibly understand what you're going through. None can say for sure that they would do things differently because they aren't standing in your shoes—these are your decisions, based on your experiences, and no one should feel fit to judge you for how you handle your pain.

However, in attempting to move forward, you have to become aware of when your desire to hurt said person overcomes your desire to heal—if you can't heal, you can't move on.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is allow the healing process to happen—however it happens. If that means you give yourself a 6-month pity party—go ahead. Love is not something that goes away simply because the person does. You are mourning the death of a relationship that, at some point, meant everything to you.

You deserve time to come to grips with that fact. Even still, don't place yourself in wreckless situations that could possibly lead to regrets later.

Own your pain, find a way to mend your heart, and trust in the possibilities that lie ahead—your life is not over—and, eventually, you will be fine.