The Undefined Woman

I don't know about you, but my daily list of things to do does not include trips to the spa, a personal trainer, or my local nail salon—not that there's anything wrong with any of that—I'm a simple woman.

I love wearing a comfortable pair of jeans/slacks, a nice top, and a great smile. That's how I make my mark on the world—physically—everyday.

I've never bothered with make-up much, don't care much for heels, and probably know more about football than fashion, but  that's the me I'm happy to be.

The me who has stopped being overly concerned with any suggestion that I'm not "feminine" enough simply because I don't fit into a certain idea of what a woman is "supposed" to be. 

Let me tell you this, despite what you've been told, being a woman has nothing to do with the clothes you wear, the bag you carry, or the face you put on in the morning. Those are merely the things that please the eyes of those around you and make you feel good about yourself when you step out your front door every day.

None of those things mean a hill of beans where peace of mind, heart and spirit are concerned.

You should be able to remove all of the material comforts that people associate with you, and still know who you are, what makes you tick, and what you stand for.

Any woman can buy a pretty piece of clothing and wear the devil out of it, but not many have the courage to say 'this is me, love me or hate me, but this is me' once stripped bare of all the glitz—can you?

When you wake up in the morning you are already beautiful, tussled hair and all. All the stuff that accompanies you out your front door—the bag, the make-up, the shoes—are just the cherries on top of an already perfectly iced cake.

Don't ever forget that.

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Thoughts On Love and Becoming Whole

The beauty of the human heart lay in its capacity to love without end and be loved in return.

I made the decision to attend graduate school closer to my hometown and I did so, in many ways, to save a relationship that was going nowhere.

Now, I know what you're thinking, she was one of those girls. You know the type I'm referring to: the one who would drop everything for a guy.

Well, the answer to that is yes and no.

I spent four years attending school in Iowa—at a school more than 1200 miles away—just to get away from said guy. However, it's difficult to stop loving a person until you truly understand that real love is not meant to be unrequited, painful, or difficult to sustain on a daily basis.

While I understood those things, in theory, I didn't yet have the strength or confidence to use that understanding to break away from the relationship.

In short, I was a girl who needed fixing.

So, one day as I sat alone on my mother's front porch—stood up yet again by this guy I "loved" so much—I said a prayer. I asked God, very simply, to send me the man who would be for me in all ways. I decided I wanted more out of love and life than I was getting from this guy who wasn't yet ready for what I was willing to give to him.

I wanted more not only for me, but for my future children as well.  And, more importantly, I  understood I was worth that and then some.

Often times in life, as we struggle to become the picture perfect version of what the world considers successful, or pretty, or acceptable, we stop remembering to check our inner compass to make sure our spirits are headed in the right direction.

We are far more than a conglomeration of our accomplishments, and are likely filled with exceedingly more depth and character than anyone can assess in a 15 minute conversation. So, as you navigate your way through this world, it's always important to remember who you were before you made that first step towards letting the world know you. What did you stand for? What did you believe? What were you willing to accept?

Don't let another persons definition of those things define the individual you become, and never allow yourself to be redefined in such a way that you lose the very essence of what made you so uniquely wonderful in the first place.

I remembered sitting on my mothers porch that day that, first and foremost, I am a child of God and He would not have approved of the woman I was becoming; the kind of woman who had belittled herself so much that she didn't know how deserving she was of all the things He wanted her to have.

After that day, I began to feel the traces of doubt, fear, and indecision leave and that allowed me to open my heart to love...a real love.

I never worried about that guy again because I trusted that God would bring me someone infinitely better, and he did. I was blessed with a man who was more than any dream or fairytale could have predicted.

We'll celebrate our 14th year together this October.

It doesn't matter who you are, what religious principles you subscribe to, or what philosophy you choose to lead your life by, we are all touched and molded by love. In the end the most important thing to remember is to be open to a love that doesn't attempt to change who you are, but rather makes the person you already are better.

Recalling The Best Thing I Never Had

I recently became enamored of a song by Beyonce entitled, "The Best Thing I Never Had". The gist of the song is she dodged a bullet by not staying with the guy she thought was everything, but who treated her like she was nothing. It's both funny and poignant because it gives you a new way of looking at a relationship that was likely doomed from the start.

I spent a number of years in a bad relationship myself. I was young, in high school, and didn't know much about love except what I saw in movies. I suspect my ex didn't know much either, but he seemed to know just as little about being a decent human being as he often treated me with little respect.

That said, it was my responsibility to love and respect myself enough that his behavior should have been unacceptable to me. I take full responsibility for my role in enabling him to be the person he was where I was concerned and I don't regret the lessons I learned from that pain.

Years later, I look back on that experience of "first love" as one of necessity.

I spent a long time pining and hoping he would make a change before I finally realized that it was me who needed to do the changing. Once I did, I was able to open my heart to other possibilities and, soon after, love found me.

We are all tested in our relationships and none of us truly knows what our hearts are capable of until we stop accepting the unacceptable. Take time to figure out what you want from love before you give your heart away.

Trust me, it's worth the wait.


Beyonce's Latest, "Best Thing I Never Had" by NewsLook




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The Importance of Scheduling Your Workouts

I would not describe myself as an exercise fanatic, but I will say that my exercise regimen is something of great importance in my life. A typical week consists of about 300 minutes worth of scheduled physical activity (60 minutes of strength training, 120 minutes of yoga, 120 minutes of aerobics/cardio).
I make time each day for these things because I know that they are of great value to me—physically and mentally.  So, the message I wish to convey here is a simple one: schedule your workouts.

So much of our days are filled with family, professional, and social commitments, that we often aren't able to find the time to exercise. Of course, if you've read enough of these posts, you already know how I feel about making excuses. Even so, I recognize that it's tough for most of us to keep the momentum going once the thrill of seeing results has passed us by.

However, never forget that complacency is the mother of failure where attaining your fitness goals are concerned, so it's of the utmost importance that you evaluate each day and try to find time to where fit in a workout—even it's only a 15 or 30 minute one.

A solution that has worked well for me has been to either offer myself a make-up day or the option of  adding in a second workout on an otherwise uneventful day.

For example, if I find that I will not meet my 60-minute goal on Monday, I resolve to move that session to another day during the week. That might mean taking an early morning bike ride on what might have otherwise been my off-day or opting to participate in a late evening yoga session on a day I normally would only do cardio.

These are adjustments I am willing to make in order to keep my fitness goals on track.

That doesn't mean that I haven't encountered a week or two, here and there, where I miss multiple days or completely flake out on a workout session—I have my days of complacency too—but the point is to not allow one missed day to become a habit for the next string of days, weeks, or months.

Schedule time for meeting your fitness goals and make them a part of your day-to-day life.

Don't Linger In Negativity

I have bad days—days where I feel worthless, unfit to be a mother/wife, and completely dismayed that the path I've set myself on is one that will lead me straight into the bowels of hell—I am not unlike anyone in that regard, as we all have days where we question our purpose.

However, once I pull myself out of that pit of despair and self-loathing, I remember I am a good person, with a good heart, and I try to view such moments of negative thinking as personal challenges to my resolve as opposed to signs that things are about to get worse.

Even so, many of us have a problem doing the latter and we interpret these moments not as challenges, but as chores, and in so doing greet the roadblocks placed in our way by such momentary losses of confidence with disdain—they're just "one more thing" thrown on top of an already crappy day.

I empathize with those of you who feel that way—I used to feel much the same—but after marriage and children, I no longer feel I have the luxury of lingering in negativity for too long because it leads to a lack of productivity and I have too many responsibilities to be unproductive. 

So, what I try to do each day is reaffirm my strengths. I remind myself that I can handle anything and if I can't handle it right then, I try to move beyond it—save it for meditation and reflection at a later time if necessary—but my ultimate goal is not to emotionally linger inside that negativity.

Now, I know what you're saying, that approach doesn't always work in a job situation. Sometimes you're assigned a task that spells misery from the start and will be miserable until you get the job done. I understand that, but notice I said "don't emotionally linger"?

There is a difference.

Even the work day ends at some point, right? So, the question you have to answer is do you leave the misery at its source or do you carry it home with you?

If the answer is the latter, then there is your problem. You cannot be effective at home, with friends, in relationships, or anywhere else if you never detach from the negativity and frustrations that often play a major hand in laying the foundation for the self-loathing I spoke of at the start.

All of us are going to be faced with moments where we feel poorly, inside and out, but the choice to keep and carry those things around versus letting them go belongs to you as an individual and you should never place that power in the hands of another. 

Be cognizant of what you internalize so that you can refocus your energy on enhancing the things that fill you with a greater sense of purpose and joy as opposed to holding onto the things that are suffocating you and making your life, as well as those around you, less rewarding.

Stay Committed, Stay True, Stay Toned

I fall and fail as much as I get up and succeed. This is my truth and it applies to everything in my life—including my workouts. I often ask myself on any given day, particularly on the days where the biggest challenge can be just getting out of bed, "what is my motivation?". It's a fair enough question, wouldn't you say?

Each of us whether we realize it or not, begins our journey towards a better body or sense of self for a reason: to get into that pair of skinny jeans, to look good for an upcoming social event, or because we are tired of looking in the mirror and not loving the body we see. In all of those cases, there is something external to motivate us. We have something material we can look at and work towards to keep us on the right track.

But, what happens when that thing no longer exists? Where do you find the internal motivation once you reach your goal?

As easy as you consider the answer to this question to be, please understand that it is much harder than you think. We all to some extent become satisfied enough with our progress to start making allowances for our actions.

It may start with an act as simple as eating a slice of pie or skipping a workout. Before you know it you're justifying eating out and cutting back on your cardio because "one day won't hurt me"—believe me, I've been there, and it's a miserable feeling to wallow in the guilt you feel when your "one day" turns into one week, one month, and so on.

You have to commit everyday to being the person who is dedicated to keeping his/her workout regimen in tact. If you don't, you run the risk of seeing all your hard work go down the drain.

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Fighting The Demons Within You

This life isn't particularly kind to everyone. I recall being especially unhappy as a high school student with little-to-no social life, a less than stellar boyfriend, and a contentious relationship with my mother. The only thing I wanted to do was escape it all and reinvent myself as a woman of some importance—at least in my own mind—and be free of the pain and loneliness that seemed to frame my life at that time.

Back then, like many girls my age, I was envious of the popularity, good looks, and overall charmed existence of the "popular" girls. Why couldn't I be more like them? Where was my superstar boyfriend (AKA sports hero)? My invitation to all the hot parties? Why wasn't I living the "good life"?

Well, it didn't take me too long to figure out that I was asking and hoping for all the wrong things and,
as a result, it became necessary for me to start sorting out the woman I wanted to be—in this body I felt endlessly uncomfortable living in—with this soul that was sorely lacking in both direction and nourishment.

Now, a number of years later, I reflect upon that time as a moment in my life where I was too centered on the superficial aspects of living to appreciate all the good things I was blessed to have. I was too busy being shallow to understand what characteristics truly mattered in a person—their faith in Christ, their poise, their integrity, and their virtue.

It's a lesson I had to learn in order to "grow up" and become the woman I am today: one who has
so much more to give to those around her because she can see both sides of the battle. I understand what it feels like both to be accepted and to wonder what acceptance feels like.  And, though I'm still evolving on a daily basis, I feel more comfortable living and loving in the beautiful body the good Lord blessed me to have than I did 20 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, that 15-year old, lost, girl with low self-esteem is still a very real part of my story—she still makes an appearance here and there in those moments I find reason to doubt myself—she's just no longer the title character in the movie.

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Day 30: Don't Worry About It...

We worry. It's a part of life that most of us will not escape and one that we have grown accustom to accepting. And, truthfully, that's alright—that's normal.

That said, you have to start understanding that worrying is less about being stressed than it is about being aware that life still has much to teach us—if we are open to learning.

Many of us become so focused on the negative aspects of the actual worrying (i.e. what we don't have, what we can't have, or what we need to have) that we forget that there is more to the act of worrying than meets the eye.

Think about it, it's never so much the worrying that harms us as it is the potential outcome of the thing we're worried about.

"If I don't get this bill paid, I could lose x, y, or z", "If I don't get this job, I don't know what I'll do", or "If I can't pay for my child to do this, I'd hate to see his/her disappointment". All of that is valid, but it's surface and, mostly, outside of our control.

That said, if you dig deeper you'll find that at the very core of our worries is fear. A fear of being a failure. A fear that perhaps your confidence isn't as strong or as solid as you thought it to be.

It's about insecurity and that is something that is fixable if we refocus our attention on the root cause of said feelings.

Now, I'm not saying that all worries can be written off to feeling uncomfortable in our own skin, but I am saying that it's important to examine why that particular something is so bothersome to you—again, find the root cause.

If you can begin to figure that out, you might find a lot less reason to worry at all.






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