Recalling The Best Thing I Never Had

I recently became enamored of a song by Beyonce entitled, "The Best Thing I Never Had". The gist of the song is she dodged a bullet by not staying with the guy she thought was everything, but who treated her like she was nothing. It's both funny and poignant because it gives you a new way of looking at a relationship that was likely doomed from the start.

I spent a number of years in a bad relationship myself. I was young, in high school, and didn't know much about love except what I saw in movies. I suspect my ex didn't know much either, but he seemed to know just as little about being a decent human being as he often treated me with little respect.

That said, it was my responsibility to love and respect myself enough that his behavior should have been unacceptable to me. I take full responsibility for my role in enabling him to be the person he was where I was concerned and I don't regret the lessons I learned from that pain.

Years later, I look back on that experience of "first love" as one of necessity.

I spent a long time pining and hoping he would make a change before I finally realized that it was me who needed to do the changing. Once I did, I was able to open my heart to other possibilities and, soon after, love found me.

We are all tested in our relationships and none of us truly knows what our hearts are capable of until we stop accepting the unacceptable. Take time to figure out what you want from love before you give your heart away.

Trust me, it's worth the wait.


Beyonce's Latest, "Best Thing I Never Had" by NewsLook




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Day 29: Sometimes It's Best To Say Nothing...

Silence is an art. It takes a good bit of restraint to remain silent when everything within you is screaming to say something—anything—that will relieve the frustration and angst that has suddenly been instigated by the words/deeds of another.

The trick in recognizing when silence is best comes with understanding the motivation of the one with whom you are speaking and developing the ability to see beyond the immediate emotionality of the moment.

If the conversation seems prompted by frustration or anger—and you are certain that you have done nothing to cause the discomfort—you can be sure that this episode is one of misdirected anger. In which case, a decision to engage does nothing more than negatively fuel the moment. There is nothing  gained from fighting a losing battle—walk away—don't try for the last word.

In cases where you are less certain of the other's motives, you will have to trust your instincts. How do you feel? Do you feel attacked? Or do you get the feeling that there is more to the discussion than the surface level rhetoric it has presented itself to be?

If you feel that the conversation is more than what it seems, silence is best because it's obvious that you are dealing with a situation where it's difficult for the person to get to the point without meandering around for a bit—although frustrating—it's best to let them get there at their own pace.

Don't scurry the chat to its climax because you've mistakenly pegged it as another round of "what's wrong with you, what's right with me".

On the other hand, don't become the target of a vitriolic attack either. It's okay to defend yourself by saying something productive and pointed—if the situation calls for such honesty. In the end it's simply about being patient with the process and understanding that the outcome should be productive—not painful—if either of you is going to progress. 

Day Ten: Know Your Dreams...

Do you know what you want out of life? If you don't, it's foolish to expect anyone else to be able to figure it out for you. Know yourself before you decide to become one with another—that can make all the difference.

Too many men and women are running around looking for a partner to define them. They don't feel complete without someone standing by their side telling them how important they are because they are loved.

Well, contrary to what you might have been told, you cannot count on another person to make you feel whole. It's far better to figure out who you are, for yourself, using your own devices, before you place your psyche into the control of another.

See, the trouble with losing yourself into a person is that if that person leaves, you won't know where to find what you have lost. How will you decipher the real you from the one who was attached to the label of girl or boyfriend? Do you know who you are minus your mate?

The question is the same where friendships are concerned. Don't attach your identity to the clique you claim or the social group you represent. You have to know who you are before you enter into a relationship, of any kind, with anybody. If you don't, you aren't doing yourself or those who wish to claim you, any favors.

Spend some time, alone, finding out exactly who you are now and who you want to be—get secure in that—and then take the steps to find the people who most compliment those ideals.

Day Five: Change Is....Good?

People are who they are. You can try and change them but, in your attempts at doing so, ask yourself this: would you be open to someone trying to change you?

You hear a lot of chatter, particularly in relationships, about a person who seems unwilling to compromise. He or she just isn't willing to bend long enough to understand "my perspective", "my needs", or "my point of view". The belief behind that is simple: if they do things my way, things would be much better between us.

Understand something, most people aren't willing to be changed by any one person. They feel good about who they are and what they've done and, honestly, if their philosophy on life and dealing with people has, successfully, gotten them this far, why should they feel that doing things your way will be any better?

The important thing to do when you recognize an incompatibility, is to see just how much of an issue it truly is in your relationship. Is it a deal-breaker? Does it truly change the dynamic of your communication approach so much that you find yourself unhappy? Is it something you simply cannot live with?

If the answer to any of those questions is a solid yes, perhaps the only change you should be making is in the person you've chosen to spend your life with.

Nobody is perfect, so the best decision you can make for yourself where relationships are concerned is to not allow your time to be wasted by any one who isn't on the same page as you because, no matter what your circumstance, we are all worthy of a life more divine than the one we'll just settle for.