Facing The Music: Even Living In "The Now" Has Limitations

As a woman who has accepted the fact that she is always trying to become better than she was the day before, I understand that growth is about making your way through the easy and the tough moments. You're not always going to have the best response to things, but you will learn some lesson of worth— if you're open to it.

I often try to tell myself that I can be of sound mind, even in the worst of circumstances, because my spiritual and mental side has progressed to that point—I have arrived! But, to be frank, I am no more immune to fits of indecision than the next person. As a matter of fact, I am often completely confused by exactly where my learning process began and what part I'm supposed to play in making it a more enlightening experience.

However, in my defense, even in those moments of confusion, I am still striving to do what's best for me. The only problem with that approach is that it, at times, leaves me without a grasp on the bigger picture—which can lead to my feeling emotionally distraught about all the things I don't know or understand.

In other words, because I am so focused on the moment, I lose sight of the long-term purpose of my actions and reactions. I cease to see how this moment will, ultimately, change the course of all the others that follow and—while that may not seem like a bad thing for a person who prides herself on living in the now—it can be problematic because one of the biggest lessons you have to learn as an individual is when to take things deeper than the surface. 

The best I ever hope for is to come out the other side of each day with a clearer purpose than which I entered. And while I am fully aware that this approach will, at times, leave me unprepared for accepting the worst case scenarios when they undoubtedly do happen, I'm okay with that because life is nothing if not unpredictable.

I wasn't meant to foresee it all, just to live it and hope like hell that my actions make all the difference in the person I am trying to be.

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Thoughts On Love and Becoming Whole

The beauty of the human heart lay in its capacity to love without end and be loved in return.

I made the decision to attend graduate school closer to my hometown and I did so, in many ways, to save a relationship that was going nowhere.

Now, I know what you're thinking, she was one of those girls. You know the type I'm referring to: the one who would drop everything for a guy.

Well, the answer to that is yes and no.

I spent four years attending school in Iowa—at a school more than 1200 miles away—just to get away from said guy. However, it's difficult to stop loving a person until you truly understand that real love is not meant to be unrequited, painful, or difficult to sustain on a daily basis.

While I understood those things, in theory, I didn't yet have the strength or confidence to use that understanding to break away from the relationship.

In short, I was a girl who needed fixing.

So, one day as I sat alone on my mother's front porch—stood up yet again by this guy I "loved" so much—I said a prayer. I asked God, very simply, to send me the man who would be for me in all ways. I decided I wanted more out of love and life than I was getting from this guy who wasn't yet ready for what I was willing to give to him.

I wanted more not only for me, but for my future children as well.  And, more importantly, I  understood I was worth that and then some.

Often times in life, as we struggle to become the picture perfect version of what the world considers successful, or pretty, or acceptable, we stop remembering to check our inner compass to make sure our spirits are headed in the right direction.

We are far more than a conglomeration of our accomplishments, and are likely filled with exceedingly more depth and character than anyone can assess in a 15 minute conversation. So, as you navigate your way through this world, it's always important to remember who you were before you made that first step towards letting the world know you. What did you stand for? What did you believe? What were you willing to accept?

Don't let another persons definition of those things define the individual you become, and never allow yourself to be redefined in such a way that you lose the very essence of what made you so uniquely wonderful in the first place.

I remembered sitting on my mothers porch that day that, first and foremost, I am a child of God and He would not have approved of the woman I was becoming; the kind of woman who had belittled herself so much that she didn't know how deserving she was of all the things He wanted her to have.

After that day, I began to feel the traces of doubt, fear, and indecision leave and that allowed me to open my heart to love...a real love.

I never worried about that guy again because I trusted that God would bring me someone infinitely better, and he did. I was blessed with a man who was more than any dream or fairytale could have predicted.

We'll celebrate our 14th year together this October.

It doesn't matter who you are, what religious principles you subscribe to, or what philosophy you choose to lead your life by, we are all touched and molded by love. In the end the most important thing to remember is to be open to a love that doesn't attempt to change who you are, but rather makes the person you already are better.