Grace in Mourning

I recently suffered a loss that, no matter how hard I tried, I could have never prepared myself to accept. Even as I write this, I am struggling to figure out how to ease the heartache that this loss has left me feeling.

The toll this has taken on my family has been one of the brutal sort—it's not always easy to be kind when the persons involved are going through the same heartbache as you. Suddenly the person you all loved becomes the person only you loved the best. And, in your desire to do what you feel he/she would have wanted, you forget to be mindful of whose feelings you're stepping on in the process.

I've been through enough to know that everyone deals with their grief differently. Some withdraw into work or a daily routine, others resort to drugs/alcohol, and some simply learn to live with said pain and use it as the motivation to be better in that person's honor.

The point is we all arrive at our places of peace differently and however one comes to that place is their business. You can't rush anyone through the process or force them to adhere to your idea of what's most effective, they have to do it on their own terms and in their own time—if they are ever to do it at all.

One thing I've learned from my most recent experience is just how fragile the family unit can become if there is no foundation there from the start. Grief and sadness are capable of bringing out the best and worst in people, and the scars that words and actions, born from pain, can leave behind can be irreparable if one is not careful.

We must try to never forget to be cognizant of those going through the storm with us–even if the path they're taking is more or less rain-soaked than ours. Because, in the end, it's about love and respect. Respect for yourself, your departed loved one, and all those he or she has left behind to mourn them.

Related articles

• Coping with grief (bupa.com.au)
• Attachment, Grief, and Complicated Grief (psychologytoday.com)
• The Evolution of Grief, Both Biological and Cultural, in the 21st Century (blogs.scientificamerican.com)

Personal Reflections on this Father's Day Weekend

My husband is currently the same age my father was at the time of his death. I'm floored by that realization because it's a subtle reminder to me of just how young my father was when he passed. I cannot imagine my husband not being here now to share in this life we've made so beautifully together. It's not something I want to ever have to endure as it would break the hearts of both me and our children irreparably.

As many of you who read this blog already know, I am the product of a single-parent household. My father was present in our lives, but he didn't live with us, eat, with us, share holidays, or participate in the ideal way many of us imagine fathers should. He had far too many demons to escape and those demons made it difficult for him to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

By the time he died it was clear to most of us that his illness was something that he could mentally and physically never overcome without the support and presence of something more powerful in his life. The battle was his, but he didn't have the strength to fight it, and in the end it was all of us who bore the pain of his struggle.

So, as this Father's Day weekend approaches, I feel a bit of sadness at the fact that I cannot call or see my father, but blessed in the knowledge that I have a man in my life who is both a wonderful father and husband. It's a bittersweet trade-off to be certain, but I understand the deeper meaning hidden behind it all and feel fortunate that I was able to accept this gift no matter the circumstances wrapped around the box.

Each of us have a father and a mother. It's the common thread that binds us all. Whether those parents are good or not, we each have a story woven within us that will become the foundation of who we are. Acknowledge it or don't, but the experience you have of either growing up with or without the presence of your father has been one of the driving forces for everything you have done to this point in life.

I know, without question, that the absence of my father is the reason it was so important for me to find a man who was the very opposite of his bad, but the very embodiment of all his good. I found a few duds along the way, but in the end I was delivered a man with whom my life could feel complete and favored beyond my wildest dreams.

That said I still feel an incredible amount of empathy for my younger brother who never had the opportunity to know our father, develop his own opinion of the kind of man he was, nor have the chance to see and remember him for both the good and the bad parts of who he was to many of us. It's a relationship that never had the chance to be created and I feel the sadness as deeply for my father as I do for my brother because he missed out on a little boy who became one very handsome, well-educated, talented, and most importantly, good young man.

Happy Father's Day to all of you as you reminisce, celebrate, and continue to understand the men who make, love, and become the fabric by which all of us are clothed.

Day 22: Open Your Mind...

The biggest mistake that many of us make is in believing that our way is the only way to get something done.

Sure, it's wholly possible that you have devised the most efficient, effective, and effortless way to do a particular thing, but that doesn't mean that is the best way for everyone else.

Each of us makes our own way in this world via a path that we set, using the method that's most comfortable for us.

We might take cues from different schools of thought on how we might best accomplish our desired goal but, in the end, we still have to make our own way—and we do.

That said, you have to be willing to allow others to do the same.

Don't force your views, beliefs, or philosophy on another just because you feel they are incapable of being successful without the,—that's not only arrogant, but short-sighted on your part. Be respectful of the process each person needs in order to reach their maximum potential—not yours.

In the end, I'm simply advocating acceptance.

Accept the fact that your way isn't the only way. Allow yourself the opportunity to see things from another perspective, and allow that perspective to be an additional feather in your cap as you continue to evolve, learn, and grow.